I think we can all agree that there are people who go virtually unappreciated in any society. Firefighters, teachers, and the people who assist in hemorrhoidectomies are undoubtedly among those who don't always receive the right amount of claps on the back. But I'd like to mention one particular category of people that almost never scores any kind of acclaim: assholes.
First, let me define the term. The word itself is misleading, since it seems to describe an anatomical component. However, the anatomical component that is incorrectly associated with the term "asshole" is actually the anus. See? Aren't you glad you're reading my blog? You just learned something. Anyway, when I say "asshole" in this illuminating publication, I mean "individual who engages in impolite, inconsiderate, and often arrogant behavior". So why, you ask, does such an individual deserve recognition?
The answer is simple: asshole-ish behavior is extraordinary at best, and horrifying at worst. Allow me to list some examples for your benefit.
Exhibit A: The oblivious and passive/aggressive driver
This is the person who, while merging onto the freeway, cuts you off without signalling. As if that wasn't infuriating enough, this person also proceeds to apply the brakes, forcing you to come to practically a screeching halt, then ride the brakes all the way down the freeway while traffic zooms past you on the left, leaving no opening whatsoever for you to accelerate and pass. Such behavior is both passive/aggressive and outrageously oblivious to your rapidly escalating blood pressure. Verdict: ASSHOLE.
Exhibit B: That Guy
Those of you who are currently in college (or have recently graduated) are uncomfortably familiar with That Guy. He is the guy at all the parties who wears the same dumb-ass t-shirt and the same dumb-ass hat (said hat is often sideways). He frequently blacks out and/or vomits and/or instigates physical altercations. He also has a tendency to use idiotic pick-up lines (I apologize for the redundancy of that phrase: "idiotic" and "pick-up lines" are actually synonymous). If you're reading this in guilty silence, gentlemen, fear not: if you are a male and have passed through the average American college and have partaken of alcoholic substances at a party, chances are that you have at some point been That Guy. Just try to convincingly deny it when someone points you out as That Guy creeping in the back of a photo with a group of wasted chicks, trying to grab a chick's ass. Verdict: ASSHOLE.
Exhibit C: The scene-maker
Please don't succumb to the delusion that all assholes are male. In fact, there is one particular specimen of asshole that is frequently, if not often, female. This specimen is known as the scene-maker. Now, obviously, there are situations in which it is appropriate to stand up for oneself. Genocide, for example, warrants making a scene for the upholding of justice. But one must exercise caution to avoid being a scene-maker of the asshole variety. This is the person who, upon ordering a venti, half-caf, no whip, soy latte with sugar-free vanilla, demands that the sugar-free vanilla be added slowly in a counter-clockwise motion exactly four seconds after the addition of the second shot of espresso. The person then hovers over the poor, flustered barista, determined to catch the barista in the midst of a blunder. When the drink has been presented to the asshole, who snatches the drink and inspects in suspiciously, the drink is of course all wrong and the asshole demands that the drink be re-made at no extra charge. Meanwhile, the line is backing out the door and all the innocent, non-assholes in line are standing by and getting later by the minute. Verdict: ASSHOLE.
So, as you can see, the average asshole is worthy of recognition merely as a sign of how low humanity is sinking, despite our increasingly impressive innovations and rapidly expanding knowledge. Please, as a favor to humanity, try to avoid assholeishness. My Starbucks addiction depends on it.
