Christmas means Christmas shopping. Christmas shopping means malls. Malls mean involuntary exposure to the latest horrific pop music clogging the local radio stations (a traumatic experience for a self-proclaimed music snob who vehemently avoids pop music at almost all costs, with the obvious exception of Lady Gaga…who is fabulous). Anyway, it appears that many songs, months or years after their initial release, undergo the so-called “re-mix” process, ostensibly to increase their appeal to the ardent masses. As far as I can make out, this process involves the following:
1. Increase the tempo.
2. Add a thumping, techno beat.
3. Throw in a few synthesized sound effects.
4. Unleash the track upon the world, where it will embed itself into the collective subconscious for all eternity, immune to our efforts to get it out of our heads.
The mentality behind this endeavor is clear: you take a song—ANY song, mind you—and you make it danceable. The perceptive reader should now be thinking, “But Rhea, not every song lends itself to dancing. ‘My Heart Will Go On’, for example, will never be a club song.” And I concur with that…which brings us to our list of re-mixes that should have never been.
5. Cascada’s cover of Rascall Flatt’s “What Hurts The Most”. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q9qN9XqoHtQ
Why it sucks: This song is depressing as hell. Does that make you want to dance? Me neither.
4. DJ Sammy’s remix of Bryan Adams’s “Heaven”. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kYUuqbSyTHY
Why it sucks: Adams’s original song is heartfelt, sad, and lovely. It’s the kind of power ballad that should be sung tenderly to a lover by a roaring fireplace while holding said lover’s hands and gazing deeply into his or her eyes. Ergo, the lyrics do not lend themselves to bumping and grinding. When the average club-goer is gazing into the eyes of his or her intended’s, they’re likely not thinking along the lines of, “Once in your life you find someone / Who will turn your world around / Bring you up when you’re feeling down”. They’re thinking along the lines of, “I’ma get get get get you drunk / Get you love drunk off my humps”.
3. Celine Dion’s “To Love You More”. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crcDJ6kK2_w
Why it sucks: Most of the people shaking their booties in the clubs probably have no idea who Celine Dion is, let alone the extent of her incredible talent. Regardless, this is a winsome song about unrequited love…doesn’t that just make you want to celebrate, get a little rowdy? No? Play this after “What Hurts the Most”, and you’ll have half the club downing gin and sobbing on each other’s shoulders.
2. Cascada’s cover of “Last Christmas”. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ds6oTHYmqRc
Why it sucks: I take issue with the original (not that it isn’t a good song, per se, it’s just not particularly cheerful, and I prefer cheerful Christmas songs. Then again, it’s no “Christmas Shoes”, so I’ll take it). Cascada’s version has a cutesy beat and an uncomfortably fast tempo that suggests that you’re supposed to dance to it. Again, unrequited love? Not a very celebratory topic for most.
1. DJ Dark Intensity’s remix of Lady Antebellum’s “Need You Now”. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSIioUyyqAM
Why it sucks: When I heard the bizarre remix of this song, I knew it was a shoo-in for the top spot. While the original has elements that are, arguably, appropriate for a party atmosphere (a reference to “another shot of whiskey”, for example), it is in its entirety a plaintive tune about a lonely person making a drunken booty call. Thanks to the talent of the two vocalists, you can literally hear the pain in their voices. If this doesn’t put a damper on your party, I don’t know what will. Maybe dead baby jokes?
The message that I would like all of us to take away from this list is as follows: there are some songs that are meant to be listened to as you’re sobbing into your pillowcase with a carton of Ben & Jerry’s on your bedside table atop an empty case of Franzia, and there are some songs that are meant to be listened to as you’re having fun. And ne’er the two shall mix.
