There is no doubt that the world is an imperfect place.
Examples of the world’s imperfection are numerous and diverse; cupcakes would
be free and under 100 calories in a perfect world, children would never get
sick, and the ozone layer would not be rapidly deteriorating as a direct
consequence of our unabashedly deleterious emissions of poisonous fumes into the atmosphere. But
perhaps most striking of all examples of the suboptimal nature of humanity is
the fact that people feel the need to threaten one another. Threats, whether
overt or implicit, seem to keep the machine of human interaction properly
oiled. Afraid of whatever consequences
we believe will be enacted if we do not comply, we seem to respond remarkably
well to those who make threats. Collateral, for example, is an accepted
principle utilized every day in business. Physicians are threatened with
substantial pay cuts if they fail to treat their patients’ diabetes. We even
threaten our offspring with time outs and/or loss of iPhone privileges if they
don’t desist their undesirable behaviors.
The existence of threats troubles me, but I have come to
accept it, just as I’ve come to accept the fact that Rush Limbaugh is probably
immortal. What piques my interest, and perhaps even provokes my displeasure, is
that enemy of the true threat: the empty threat. You see, I’m a woman of
principles. I respect those who follow through and make good on their promises,
and what is a threat if not a malevolent promise? Those who fail to deliver on
threats upset the natural balance of action and reaction that defines the way
we navigate human interactions both major and minor. Reneging on a promise—or a threat—compromises
one’s credibility.
And who is more guilty of empty threats than the modern
woman? You know of whom I speak--the well-cared-for, suburban-raised, petite,
only marginally athletic modern women who have a lot to lose. These are
the women who tend to feel very strongly towards those who have wronged them, and are typically both vocal and effusive about the perceived wrongdoing. Such women enjoy
hearing themselves talk and consequently tend to have an over-inflated opinion
of their negotiating prowess. Friends, I include myself in this category; in
fact, the idea for this post originated from an incident in which I myself was
the perpetrator. Several years ago, while in the throes of a rare argument with
my man-friend, I heard myself say, “You don’t want to mess with me”. At the time, this proclamation seemed
appropriately rife with righteous anger, given the heated nature of the altercation.
However, on further reflection, I can’t help but wonder: to what was I alluding
when I warned my man-friend against messing with me? What was the implicit “or
I’ll” in this dire announcement? “Or I’ll hide raw meat in the pockets of all
your suit jackets?” “Or I’ll use my Christine O’Donnell-esque Wiccan powers to
put a hex on you?” “Or I’ll restrain you to a chair and force you to watch 12 consecutive hours of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo?” Let’s face it, my bargaining power—in any
situation, not just those in which my loving man-friend is the opponent—is
negligible. I’m not physically intimidating, nor do I have access to friends
who will physically maim anyone who opposes me. I’m not naturally vindictive,
so I would never actually seek to damage an opponent’s reputation (more on this
later). I don’t have the patience or
stamina to enact slow, deliberate revenge like the count of Monte Cristo. I
have no particular skills or qualities that would enable me to make good on
even the most minor of threats.
I am by no means alone in this deficiency of adequate threatening
capacity. I have numerous girl friends who have been known for making
utterances such as, “You do not want to f--- with me” and “she doesn’t know
what she’s getting herself into by pissing me off”. The specifics elude me: what
happens if you f--- with an Indian girl from the suburbs who has wealthy
parents and a pet cockapoodle? What exactly is someone getting into by pissing
off a five-foot-three Caucasian girl clad head-to-toe in Tory Burch? The same
can be asked of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, who, admittedly, serve as
a dreadful frame of reference for any discussion on female behavior. Still, I
vividly recall the hag-faced, witch-hair-having Kyle Richards saying something
along the lines of, “Don’t f--- with me like that, okay? You’ll regret it.” How
will Kyle Richards, a former child star whose only current claim to fame is having a
handsome half-Jewish, half-Mexican hubby, make anyone regret f---ing with her? I have no answer to this. Perhaps there are
some women who do indeed have the power to implement terrible consequences upon
their enemies; my girl friends and the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills have no
such power (that I know of).
Which brings me to my next point: girl-illa warfare. This is
the average woman’s best hope for following through on threats made in the heat
of battle. You see, a regular, garden-variety woman of normal physical prowess
can’t beat the shit out of someone who pisses her off. No matter how irate I
feel towards Ann Coulter, I will never be able to corner her in a dark alley
and sock her in the mandible. I just don’t have the requisite skills. The skill
that I, and other women like me, do possess in abundance is the ability to
engage in what I call girl-illa warfare. Like guerrilla warfare, this sort of
attack relies upon secrecy, intrigue, and covert operations. One must strike
hard and with no warning. The weapons are typically rumors, disparaging
comments about the enemy’s physique, and smiling in the enemy’s face while
planting the seeds of destruction behind her back. The damage is done not to the enemy's body; it is the enemy's psyche that is bruised and her morale that is avulsed. A soldier of girl-illa warfare must be versed not in combat or artillery; she must have knowledge of an enemy's weaknesses and insecurities.These are classic girl-illa
warfare principles, and they are the most effective method of enforcing the
terms of a woman’s threat.
I suppose this is as good a time as any to acknowledge the
fact that many of my posts, probably including this one, have been lambasted
for having misogynistic undertones. Please note that I’m including myself in
this particular critique of the way some women (not all, but some) fight, both
with words and actions. We must all acknowledge
that most of us are neither as powerful nor as powerless as we may believe.
Rather, our power to influence others and to assert ourselves lies somewhere in
between the Incredible Hulk (“You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry!”) and those
mean girls who wrote the Burn Book. As I stated in the beginning of this post, if this world were less flawed and if human interactions were not replete with toxic power struggles and indiscriminate mistrust, threats would be irrelevant. However, empty threats, just like empty pizza boxes, should be discarded. They're simply unworthy of consideration.
