I was recently subjected to Miley Cyrus's latest display of premature hyper-sexualization: the music video for her latest shrill, repetitive, poorly-written single, "Can't Be Tamed". The video features Miley earnestly trying to appear sexy, and, as a result, is just as embarrassing and yucky as one would imagine a video of a scantily-clad young teen gyrating and being fondled by large crowds of people would be. However, the song itself brings up an interesting fallacy, and that is this idea that Miley Cyrus can't be tamed. Au contraire, says a person who knows hundreds of real-life teenagers, and who witnesses and participates in the taming of such teenagers on a regular basis! Here is a list of suggestions for taming Miley Cyrus.
1.) Confiscate her cell phone.
2.) Delete her Facebook account.
3. ) Ground her.
4.) Take away the keys to the Range Rover/BMW/Jaguar/whatever ridiculously extravagant car that the inexplicable popularity of her miserable, annoying records has allowed her to obtain.
5.) Force her to listen to her own music until she cooperates. While I realize that this suggestion is borderline cruel and inhumane, I know that I'd agree to almost anything if threatened with "Party In The USA" on a loop.
Billy Ray, I hope you're taking notes...that is, if you're not too busy Google-ing how to get Miley in Playboy.
